Tools for Life’s Challenges,Guidance for Meaningful Change.

Section 2a — Solutions as cool as the other side of the pillow: A few words to therapists

Therapy is not a lifestyle

Some people who do not have an adequate support system or have not developed the skills to establish or maintain interpersonal relationships tend to become addicted to therapy.

A healthy therapeutic relationship is not one that would continue forever, rather it has the goal to

help the person be the best person they can be, which in most cases includes establishing and maintaining satisfying interpersonal relationships rather than only professional relationships.

When you schedule an appointment to talk with a therapist, it is usually about negative things, difficulties, or issues that cause you stress. Being reminded of those negatives and living in that negativity very often e.g. weekly, for months or years may be counterproductive.

If your issues have not been resolved by that time, it may be a good focus of therapy to identify the barriers to your healing.

Spending time with positive friends or family will help redirect your thinking to positive things so you live in a positive head space. That said, there are matters such as trauma issues that can take a long time and frequent sessions for a while, along with trauma specific techniques to find resolution. Another exception would be those struggling with psychotic disorders, some of which are life-long.

It is healthy to include in your therapy goals finding resolution to a problem, experience healing, or effect a change; not to make friends with your therapist.

Section 2b — Some considerations for everybody

Your life has purpose

Life is a journey and there are many lessons to be learned. We never really “arrive” until the journey ends; therefore, significance is found in the journey. It is healthy to keep learning all our lives since it is when we stop learning that we begin dying.

Sometimes we are blessed with an understanding of our purpose, and sometimes we are not sure what our purpose is, and it becomes a matter of faith that there is one.

Sometimes our purpose will change unexpectedly throughout our lives, and we never really know how much we influence or impact others. As long as we have breath, we have purpose. The following is a fun way to consider the journey of

your life including how valuable and worthwhile you are.

On the edge of purpose - an allegory

After walking along the edge of a pond, he discovered it was a two-day journey to the other side where his destination lies. So, he gathered some twigs from a nearby forest to build a fire to keep himself warm, for night was drawing near. The forest had settled in a valley which had gone unnoticed until then.

As the air grew dim and dense with moisture, he felt moved to relieve the fire of its relentless task and recede to the shelter and confines of the crystalline forest.

While sitting on a plane of starless glass

He felt a force with which his spirit clashed

He knew it was all just massed confusion,

But his mind settled on only one conclusion

And that was to run and find some seclusion.

Section 2c — Managing stress

There is a solution, you just have not thought of it yet

Problem solving is a very healthy and helpful way to cope with stress. This optimistic view makes it more likely that you will put forth the effort to find a solution. If you start out thinking that this is an insurmountable barrier, there is a good chance you will not try as hard to overcome it.

Putting your energy into addressing the concern or resolving the issue will get the thinking part of your brain active and involved which can help to drive out stress and anxiety.

Preparation reduces stress

It is easy for anxiety to take over when you walk into a situation, and you are not prepared. One example is when you need to take a test or exam. There is a difference between the confidence you feel when you are as well prepared as you can be as opposed to having ignored it so that you could do something else.

If you are prepared when an opportunity presents itself, you are ready to take advantage of it. If you wait until the opportunity comes up and then begin to prepare, someone else will take that opportunity. An example would be a job or career that you would really like to have. Many career opportunities require some kind of training or education to be selected for the opportunity. If you had taken classes at a college in the previous couple of years, you could have put yourself in a position to be selected. If you wait for your dream job to come available and then begin to meet the requirements for that job, you are already too late.

Section 3 – Evaluating choices and decisions

In the absence of evidence, you can choose what you believe

It is not whether you believe or do not believe, it is what you choose to believe. Since we are limited by our humanity and resources such as time, we choose to believe what people who have invested their time and energy have been able to research and tell us about things. An example would be wondering if stars are really light years away. There is no way to check that out ourselves empirically, so we trust other people's research. This happens frequently as we watch what people call “news” on TV or radio, and we choose which of these presentations we believe. If you tend to trust science, keep in mind that once a consensus is reached science has stopped. The nature of science is inquiry.

Sometimes it can be beneficial to believe what brings you the most peace when there is not enough evidence one way or the other. When you have evidence, respond to the evidence and follow where it leads. Evidence is one of those things that will help you gain discernment. When trying

to decide whether to believe someone or not, examine the evidence that is available to you. The more specific the information or the evidence, the more likely you can discern if it is valid and reliable.

Is it working?

This is a good question when evaluating the effectiveness of behaviors and strategies when dealing with other people, or really any strategy. While evaluating whether to continue a particular strategy or change how you handled a situation, it is often helpful to consider if is it working.

If it turns out that a particular strategy isn't working, that is your indication that a change in strategy may be a good idea. If it is working, there may be aspects of that strategy that you want to adjust to make it even better. It is often true that a strategy may work for a while and then stop working as well, in which case it may have outlived its usefulness, and it is time to change strategies; or it may need some adjustment.

Section 4 — Guilt and regret

When you have offended someone

Again, guilt serves a purpose. There are times when an apology is needed. People look at certain behaviors to help them determine whether an apology is sincere or whether the person is just trying to smooth the waters and put the issue behind them without taking responsibility for hurting someone.

The primary factor that will make an apology sincere is when the person makes the personal changes they need to make to ensure that the action will not happen again. The following helps a person make a sincere apology.

Levels of Apology

These levels can apply to you making an apology to someone else, when someone is making an apology to you, or when you need to forgive yourself and leave the baggage of guilt behind.

Preparation – Thinking

1. Gain an understanding of what you did that was wrong

a. Understand what you did that was offensive, hurtful, or wrong. Rather than a vague “I’m sorry”, it will be more meaningful to be specific when you make your apology.

2. Gain an understanding of how it affected or hurt the other person

a. Think about how your actions affected them on a deeper level that may be connected to previous experiences and hurt. This

indicates a deeper, more intimate level of understanding.

For instance, a person may feel like they are not good enough, that they are not valued by you, or feel they are not worthwhile; and this may have reinforced messages they received as a child or in an abusive relationship.

Section 5 — Some barriers to peace and contentment

When you have become used to chaos

When a person grows up in, or has lived in a chaotic environment, they can become very uneasy and unsettled with peace and be filled with anxiety waiting for something to go terribly wrong. Life does have its ups and downs, good times and bad. Catastrophic bad times are not related to the fact that you had a period of peace in your life; even though that is a message you may have believed on some level. There is no connection between periods of peace and calm, and catastrophic bad events.

There is comfort in what is familiar even if we do not like it. People become comfortable living in chaos because they know how to live that way and become uncomfortable with a calm, peaceful environment; and may create chaos. This can look like sabotaging positive things in their lives such as relationships or their jobs; basically sabotaging themselves. This is a pattern to be aware of and guard against.

A person who has lived in chaos may interpret contentment as boredom. The chaos can result in an excretion of adrenaline and other survival chemicals into the body which can be experienced as excitement, living on the edge, and prepared for the danger they anticipate. This pattern has been developed from previous life experiences and is learned.

Learned behavior

The question of nature versus nurture is often part of a discussion of how a person got to where they are, do the things they do, think or feel the way they do. Make your first assumption that at least part of what you do is learned behavior. It may be that all or part of why you made a particular decision or action is learned behavior.

If you start out thinking that it is hereditary or genetic and that is just the way you are, what do you do with that? You’re locked into a pattern that is very resistant to change other than medications to adjust your brain chemistry. If you hear yourself or someone say “that is just the way

I am, deal with it” or a similar phrase, it may mean they are not willing to do the work to make personal changes. They do not have to live that way. If you can accept that at least part of this is learned behavior, you can learn a different set of behaviors.

Section 6 — Basic listening and communication skills

A twinge in your emotions is your sign

As early in the behavior chain that you notice your emotions have been triggered or something does not sit right, is the time to take a step back to think about how you want to respond rather than reacting out of emotion. When you feel that twinge in your emotions and notice that a situation may escalate, you do not want to say something that you may later regret.

Take some time to think about how you want to respond, then return to the situation and discuss it without the intense emotion. At first, this may mean one person needs to physically leave the area to become calm and get the interfering emotion out of the situation.

Typically, the more mature person can take the lead and humble themselves enough to take this time out, this time away. When enough time has been taken that you can both think clearly and not react out of emotion, decide if it is an issue you need to continue discussing to find resolution or if it is something that is unnecessary conflict.

Even if you do not reach resolution, it is a win if you do not hurt each other emotionally, or physically. When things are good, you can discuss if this was an acceptable way to handle the situation so that it did not escalate and you did not hurt each other.

A couple of cautions include to not use time away to avoid; make sure you return to the subject when both of you are calm. If either of you have abandonment issues, let the other person know that your leaving is not permanent; rather that you will be back in a short time.

Section 7 — Mindfulness

Mindfulness

There are different ways people suggest achieving mindfulness. They all seem to lead to the idea of being fully engaged in whatever you are doing in the moment; to be present. The idea is to not be distracted by worries about the future, or recurring thoughts about the past. The only time we can live is in this present moment. It is only in this present moment that we touch the timeline of life.

You can lead your body with your mind, or you can lead your mind with your body

Leading with your mind can be when you change your thinking, look for gratitude, not dwell on negative things; rather acknowledge the negative thoughts and let them pass through while intentionally focusing on positive things, and being fully engaged in the moment. As a rule, you will get better outcomes if you lead your body with your mind since our body often responds to sensual input; remembering that feelings are fickle.

Leading with your body in a healthy way can mean getting yourself to act. Taking steps to begin doing activities, accomplishing things, exercise, and anything physical that leads to better well-being. Leading with your body can be helpful when you need to do something that you do not want to do, or you procrastinate. If you think too much about the unpleasant task, you may not begin.

Section 8 — Application to parenting

People will often learn more from the example of the teacher than from the lesson being taught

If you think long enough, you can find examples of people telling you to do something and then doing things differently themselves. In generations past the idea was to do what I say, not what I do. This has a ring of hypocrisy to it, and we tend to not respect that person or what it is that they are saying. If they really believed what they were saying it would make sense that they would practice that themselves. This is especially true with raising children.

An example would be that we may tell them not to talk back to their parent or swear, and then they hear you yelling at their other parent, swearing, or calling them names. Would you expect them to take you seriously? On the other hand, it is okay to admit the mistakes you have made and be honest even when teaching your children by setting boundaries to avoid mistakes that you have made. In this way, maybe they can learn from your mistakes and not repeat them.

Try to avoid thinking that you have no right to tell them not to do certain things knowing that you made those choices at one time. Hopefully you learned from those experiences and grew.

What did you learn from that?

We all make mistakes and it is often when we make mistakes that we discover that there are lessons to be learned. Very often when we do something for the first time, we will make mistakes; accept that and try to not to make the same mistake twice. In this way you can get past that barrier and work on the next part of the problem or task.

With kids, asking them what they learned from the decision that had an unsatisfactory outcome can help them develop critical thinking skills so that they learn to not react out of emotion, rather to respond out of rational thought.

Section 9 — Emotional regulation

Emotional reactions tend to be immediate

The emotional center of our brain is in the area that developed first following conception and is involved in the pleasure centers of our brain. There is an immediate connection between a stimulus or trigger, and the area of your brain that experiences emotion.

Thinking is not needed to have an emotional reaction. In fact, thinking interferes with that emotional reaction. An example to which you may be able to relate would be that when you were having fun with something, and then someone brought to your attention the downside of that activity, and you suddenly weren’t enjoying yourself as much anymore, your thinking interfered with your emotion.

The silver lining to this phenomenon is that you want to get the gray matter of your brain involved between the stimulus or trigger and acting out of emotion. The gray matter in our brains is where the rational thought occurs, with the frontal lobe developing last at the time of adulthood.

The frontal lobe is where our decision making and judgment occur. You want to get the thinking part of your brain involved so that you respond in a thoughtful manner rather than reacting out of emotion. If you read the book of Proverbs in the Bible, you can find around 40 verses in those 31 chapters that directly talk about the wisdom in thinking before doing or acting. This is a high concentration of a particular message so it must be important. Whether or not you believe the Bible, you can benefit from the wisdom and knowledge it contains.

Section 10 — Other solution focused and cognitive behavioral techniques

Breathing techniques

There are many different recommended ways to do deep breathing, including different timing patterns. Two factors seem to be consistent between all the different patterns which are:

• Slow your breathing down, and

• Breathe deeply.

For the purposes of illustration, I like a seven second inhale, a short rest, a seven second exhale, and a short rest at the end of that breathing cycle. This is sure to slow your breathing down.

· When exhaling, use your mouth to slow down your breath such as puffing out your cheeks. This will allow you to relax your core. When you try to slow down your breath with your lungs, you maintain tension which works against what you are trying to achieve, which is reducing the tension and being able to relax and calm down.

Another important factor is that you want your tummy to rise and fall with each inhale and exhale. This does not mean you are swallowing air, rather it means that you are filling the lower lobes of your lungs which will give you better oxygen intake.

When a person only breathes using the upper two large lung lobes, it seems to increase the experience of anxiety.

· It is important to breathe normally in between each deep breath for about one minute so that you do not hyperventilate, which can also increase an experience of anxiety.

After you get used to the timing, there is no need to obsessively count or keep track of the exact timing as it does not really matter. Once you find a timing pattern that works for you, do not trouble your mind with exact

timing. That over concern can keep you worried and can become an obsession.

Section 11 — A few words on addiction

Are you ready to change your use pattern?

The most important predictor of success in overcoming an addiction is when the person is ready to make a change. In the portion of Scripture we find in John 5:6, Jesus asked the man who had been an invalid for many years “do you want to get well?” If a person wants to stay in their addiction, they will not change or get well. Not even the best programs or therapy will be effective if the person is not ready to make the personal changes they need to make to be successful. Recovery often includes denying oneself of the benefits that they believe are coming from engaging in the addictive behavior.

Another factor in determining if a person is ready to leave addiction behind is a willingness to commit to the best of their ability. Like many things in life, commitment is necessary for success. At first a lifetime of sobriety may sound

like too big of a challenge; and one day, one hour, or one minute at a time may be a necessary perspective.

Addiction will take more than it gives. It promises a lot of good sounding things but then takes a lot away. Addiction does not easily let you go.